Eighth of 11 articles on high conflict people in churches. Previous article: The Fear of Being Belittled
Some high conflict people are driven by a deep and profound fear of being dominated. They believe everyone is conning everyone so they want to be sure they are on top of the game. Their motto is a twist of the Golden Rule, “I’ll do to you before you can do to me”
They repeatedly break society’s rules and laws. They see these expectations that’s unfair manipulations and obstacles that they can ignore or workaround. The only rule to follow is the one in their own belly and the only law is dominate or be dominated.
Their motto is a twist of the Golden Rule, “I’ll do to you before you can do to me”
They are aggressive people. Sometimes they’re aggressively charming. They will emphasize their trustworthiness at every turn. Their aggressive charm is often seen as charisma. and many will see these folks as compellingly attractive.
They are also full of aggressive energy. They are not just high-energy people but they’re often hostile and confrontational. They don’t take “no” as a valid answer to their requests. They will continue to badger you until you give in. They will nag, belittle, threaten, bring others to apply pressure, lie, and anything else they can think of to get what they are after. It often feels like there’s no way to stop them except by giving in.
Their aggressiveness can lead to physical violence. This is the ultimate expression of personal disregard. Is the culmination of all their thoughts, needs, and fears.
They’re willing to take very high level’s of risks in their efforts to dominate. Losing isn’t the worse that can happen to them. Having others over them is far worse in their eyes than the consequences of not meeting financial or other obligations, of going to jail, or even dying. Anyway, those consequences are for losers, for others, they tell themselves.
It is said these folks lacks empathy, but that is not strictly true. Empathy can be understood as having to aspects. First, there is affective empathy in which one feels compassion for the suffering of another. We respond with an appropriate emotion to another person’s emotional state. It is certain that these high conflict people do not have this capacity. They are unable to share those feelings so in this way they lack empathy.
The second aspect of empathy is cognitive empathy. This is the ability to understand another person’s state of mind. Some of these high conflict people have a deep reservoir of this and that is troubling. They can see what causes you suffering and pain, but they are not troubled by your suffering and pain. In fact, they actually delight in your suffering and pain they will gladly use it against you to get what they want to dominate you.
These people certainly lack remorse. Hurting others can be a game for them. Life is just a tool to get what they want. They are contemptuous of you if they are in conflict with you I have any number of reasons or justifications for disregarding you.
These people respond to, react to conflict differently than others do. Often they find that their body system slowdown during conflict. Their breathing slows down and the heart rate slows down. All the while yours is speeding up. Your nervous systems getting ready for fight or flight and they are focusing and getting down to work. It isn’t a fair fight
Next Steps: Is there someone in your life or church that seems to often skirt the rules? Bending them or breaking them because they can or because that is just how they do? Do they have a criminal past?
Are they confrontational or demanding? Is it difficult or impossible to say no to them? Are them intimidating in how they talk or stand or shake hands? Do others say they are fearful or intimidated?
Do their stories not quite add up? Is something a little (or a lot) off? Have you checked their stories out or thought that maybe you should?
Next Article: Recognizing High Conflict People
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